They all begin by commanding you to praise
things like sea-thistle, pinecones, a crate of tangerines
stacked into a ziggurat like one you envisionticking under overgrowth, ancient and counting
down deep in the tropics until at last a certain
heavenly alignment triggers doomsday, what then?To think nothing might feel good for a time, the way
walking can, just moving around, turning
right whenever you happen to, heading alongtoward nowhere in particular, getting there almost
without really trying or memory of where
you started out from, much less how you’ll ever get back.I don’t want to have to. I don’t want to have to
locate divinity in a loaf of bread, in a sparkler,
or in the rainlike sound the wind makes throughmulberry trees, not tonight. Listen to them carry on
about gentleness when it’s inconceivable
that any kind or amount of it will ever be able tobalance the scales. I have been held down
by the throat and terrified, numb enough to know.
The temperature at which no bird can thrive —a lifelong feeling that I feel now, remembering
down the highway half-hypnotized in the
backseat feeling what I feel now, and moderatehappiness has nothing to do with it: I want to press
my face against the cold black window until
there is a deity whose only purpose is to stop this.
