Tag: healing

WHY NARCISSISTS DISCARD YOU AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIMES" by Kim Saeed.

“One of the most heartbreaking stories I hear from clients and followers is how their narcissistic partner discarded them at the worst possible time.

While you’re left to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart the narcissist carries on with business as usual as though your history together means nothing.

To you, the horrific discard seems intensely personal, cruel, and callous. But, as devastating as it is, the truth is almost all narcissists discard their partners during important life events, special occasions, and devastating losses. It’s one of their blueprint manipulations.

When the narcissist decides it’s time to discard you, nothing is sacred.

While you’re waiting for the ‘real, loving and romantic’ person that you thought they were to surface again and show a shred of compassion or basic interest in your situation, the narcissist couldn’t care less as they go about love bombing their new partner right under your nose.

Narcissists take pleasure in executing devastating discards at the worst possible times, and there’s a reason behind why they enjoy it so much. In fact, they are acutely aware of what they are doing, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you as an individual.

The real aim behind these torturous, soul-shattering discards is that the narcissist is bent on triggering your abandonment wounds and deepening your declining self-esteem…which means they can likely keep you in the queue for as long as they deem you useful.

Often, what appears to be a discard is simply a tactic used by almost all narcissists who are no longer in the love bombing phase with a primary supply source.

They are in heightened manipulation mode – using your weak spots against you in order to control you and have the upper hand.

Following are two tactics narcissists use which look like a discard, but are really hidden ploys to keep you strung along indefinitely.

1 – TRIANGULATION

Many “discards” involve the sudden appearance of a new person in the narcissist’s life. In truth, the majority of discards are actually a sneaky implementation of the triangulation phase, where they begin comparing you with their new “love interest” and making you feel like you fell from grace because of your insecurities, nagging, declining appearance, exhaustion, etc.

And if you agree to remain friends with the narcissist, you’ll get to hear all about how great the new person is and, eventually, the narcissist will go so far as to share the relationship problems they’re having with the new person with you!

This is when you start believing the relationship didn’t work out because of you and things you’ve done (or didn’t do). In truth, the narcissist fabricated every single emotion and event that has resulted in this outcome. It was their intention from the very start.

Sometimes though, the narcissist has a new person in their lives, but they strive to keep it under wraps. It depends on their social status among their inner circle, their business colleagues, and personal friends. They have an image to maintain, after all.

In this scenario, the narcissist breaks up with you several times and disappears during weekends or for whole weeks at the time, claiming that they need time to breathe and reflect so they can get a clear picture of their feelings for you and the relationship. What’s really happening is they have another person lined up – and they are love bombing that person with such intensity, they can’t be bothered with damage control when it comes to the relationship they have with you. Therefore, they make it appear as if they need “alone time”, “time to breathe”, and/or “time to ponder things through”.

Regardless of which scenario they execute, each has the same goal – to reawaken your primitive fears of abandonment and bring them to the fore. The narcissist “discards” you – often repeatedly – during important times in your life for a specific purpose, and it boils down to the basics of trauma bonding.

2 – TRAUMA BONDING

You know you’re trauma bonded when you comprehend on a logical level that you need to leave the narcissist, but can’t seem to go through with it.

Your friends and family don’t understand why you stay with someone who treats you so poorly.

What they can’t relate to is that your abandonment triggers have been reactivated over and over again, which happens when we experience a break in an important bond with someone we’re emotionally attached to. Each time the narcissist triangulates or abandons you for days or weeks, it unleashes a new round of intense insecurity. You want to be reassured and loved by the very person who keeps betraying and abandoning you.

Young children react this way to parents or caregivers who mistreat and abuse them. Even animals react this way to an indifferent or cold parent. According to Susan Anderson, author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing,

A researcher who studied imprinting in ducks noticed that when he accidentally stepped on the feet of a duckling that was imprinted on him, the duckling followed him more closely than ever. Researchers investigated this phenomenon and it turns out that pain, whether emotional or physical, causes the body to release endogenous opiates that create a tenacious type of addiction to an object known as a traumatic bond.

Narcissists discard their primary supply sources during the worst possible times to triangulate and form trauma bonds with their victims, ensuring they never forget the narcissist or the relationship. All other narcissistic manipulations aside, these two devastating tactics alone are enough to instill PTSD and a myriad of other psychological injuries.

What to do next

Though it feels like everything has been ripped away, what’s happening is that your primal and true self is crying out, much like an infant crying for its mother. Triangulation and repeated abandonment carried out by the narcissist strengthens insecure attachments, guaranteeing you will feel jealous, needy, and worried all the time, perpetually seeking reassurance and validation from the narcissist – the very person who will never give you either of those things.

It may feel as though you can’t survive this, but you can begin your recovery by planning out your No Contact strategy and exit plan. Stop trying to have a heart-to-heart with your abuser in order to get them to understand your point of view or discuss the ever-elusive resolutions to your relationship problems.

Narcissists don’t want to solve problems because that’s how they keep you hooked.

Plan out No Contact, find another person you can cling to during the initial stages of your recovery, and practice mindfulness to keep yourself in the moment instead of ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.

It will feel impossible to do in the beginning. In fact, it will feel unnatural, but with daily practice you can heal from the trauma bond that the narcissist manufactured between the two of you.

(via

liesofthepatriarchy

)

FYI

(via antiporn-activist)

Could not concur with all of this more strongly.

Source: liesofthepatriarchy

Yoko Ono, Stone Piece, from The Riverbed, 2015

Since the early 1960s, audience participation has been a crucial aspect of Ono’s work. To make a village is a political gesture, as well as a formal one. Audience participation is key to completing the THE RIVERBED through everyday action coupled with contemplation; they are collaborators with the artist, similar to the collaboration between the artist and the two galleries. Additionally, it is significant to Ono that all three “principals”— the artist and two gallery leaders—are female; the support and participation of women in power is one of Ono’s longstanding concerns.

Conceived as two room-sized installations shown in two spaces—a whole in two parts— visitors are encouraged, via instructions, to visit both spaces in order to experience and fully understand THE RIVERBED. Both galleries will have a pile of large river stones that Ono has selected and gathered. She will inscribe the words like remember, dream, and wish on the stones, which have been honed and shaped by water over time. Visitors may pick up a stone and hold it in their lap, concentrating on the word and letting go of their anger or fear, transforming the stone into an emotional object to be placed upon the pile of stones in the center of the room.

Yoko Ono, Mend Piece, 2015

The piece, dedicated to “The American People From Yoko Ono,” consists of broken pottery objects from all parts of the world. Ono urged the public to participate with her in reassembling the pieces as part of a healing and mending process after the tragic events of Sept. 11.

“Keep wishing until you mend,” Ono said.

What the Angels Left

fleshactivities:

At first, the scissors seemed perfectly harmless.
They lay on the kitchen table in the blue light.

Then I began to notice them all over the house,
at night in the pantry, or filling up bowls in the cellar

where there should have been apples. They appeared under rugs,
lumpy places where one would usually settle before the fire,

or suddenly shining in the sink at the bottom of soupy water.
Once, I found a pair in the garden, stuck in turned dirt

among the new bulbs, and one night, under my pillow,
I felt something like a cool long tooth and pulled them out

to lie next to me in the dark. Soon after that I began
to collect them, filling boxes, old shopping bags,

every suitcase I owned. I grew slightly uncomfortable
when company came. What if someone noticed them

when looking for forks or replacing dried dishes? I longed
to throw them out, but how could I get rid of something

that felt oddly like grace? It occurred to me finally
that I was meant to use them, and I resisted a growing compulsion

to cut my hair, although in moments of great distraction,
I thought it was my eyes they wanted, or my soft belly

—exhausted, in winter, I laid them out on the lawn.
The snow fell quite as usual, without any apparent hesitation

or discomfort. In spring, as expected, they were gone.
In their place, a slight metallic smell, and the dear muddy earth.

Marie Howe

mississippistreet:

queerfabulousmermaid:

mississippistreet:

– Betty McLellan, Beyond Psychoppression: a feminist alternative therapy, pg. 70

Okay but fuck racist radfem Mary Daly and fuck Betty McLellan because Audre Lorde definitely wrote “The Uses of Anger” circa 1981. And considering that Mary Daly didn’t fuck with Audre Lorde—not since 1979 when lorde wrote a letter critiquing her white supremacist views and behaviors—I am highly suspicious of this clear paraphrasing of Lorde’s argument which according to McLellan’s citation was written in 1984 after Lorde’s essay which was published as early as 1981.
This is the 1981 publication of “the uses of anger” that I found. http://www.jstor.org/stable/40005441
Here’s Audre Lorde’s 1979 essay “An Open Letter to Mary Daly” http://www.historyisaweapon.com/defcon1/lordeopenlettertomarydaly.html
Fuck the historical erasure of queer Black women’s words, ideas, and activism. Fuck that.

thank you for pointing this out.

audre lorde was a lesbian though- she used the words lesbian & dyke-  let’s not say “don’t erase queer black women’s words” when by doing so you are obfuscating and rewriting the very important lesbianism that informed her politics.

Source: mississippistreet